Do you ever feel you’re going round in circles when it come to dating? You get bored easily and loose interest. Do you tell yourself you just can’t find THE ONE?
If this is so, read about the talented, wonderful young man who got distracted by perfectionism.
Two weeks ago I was working with a talented young photographer, whose burning desire is to find The One. He’s working diligently on improving his virtues and ironing out the wrinkles. Making sure he leaves no stone unturned should he sabotage his mission.
He tells me he’s distracting from his work because he’s focussing on finding the love of his life. It’s affecting his creativity while he grapples with obsessive thoughts and fears of being alone. We get to a profound point in the session when he describes this quirky little thing that happens again and again when he dates women.
First thing: When the chemistry is high on the first date, he only sees her as beauty and perfection personified. Here he finds himself falling into what he describes as an entranced and enchanted state of being, which heralds in feelings of bliss and security.
Second thing: A few weeks along, he and his Enchanted Beauty take it to the next level. They create a boudoir and everything expands into divine union, going exceptionally well.
Third thing: By week 3 our talented young man begins to feel a bit bored and starts nit picking. He’s noticed hair around her navel and her middle toe is longer than the others.
Fourth thing: His litany of imperfection continues for a while, but then he notices himself, pauses and asks beseechingly “Why can’t I meet the perfect woman?” “Is there something wrong with me?”
How you use your eyes when it comes to relationships
Our eyes are complicated mechanisms, and after everything is said and done about the mechanics sight on the physiological level, what really matters is the WAY in which we USE them to LOOK and SEE.
Take for instance our young man. When he focuses through the lens of his eyes, his brain will perceive the incoming image of her long middle toe. He’ll combine this with a particular judgement, most likely linked to the past, which will distort his perception and inevitably the outcome of what he thinks he’s seeing.
His judgement is to have a longer middle toe is a form of physical imperfection. His perception of what is perfect is distorted. Locking in an unattainable ideal that is in fact quite meaningless when it comes to love and relationships.
He begins to realise this judgement keeps him separate from his longing to be with someone. We list a number of assumption that arise from the thought “if I can/t find the perfect person to love, there must be something wrong with me”. Of course this is totally untrue and he admitted a bit daft to think like that.
Looking and Seeing with your Heart and Your mind.
We all evaluate and judge on a day-to-day basis until we start to notice what it is we are actually judging and it is useful. Our brain is hard wired to do this. But there is a much more inclusive way of seeing the world which involves engaging with the heart.
If you have perfection issues with a belief that you can only accept if things are just as you want them to be, Over time, our talented, wonderful young man realises the difference between looking with his mind and seeing with his heart.
He explores and discovers that focused looking is a combination of mind + eyes which puts his poor innocent Enchanted Beauty is under the microscope. This combination of looking will bring in a large element of evaluating and checking things out in detail, because that is the mind doing its job.
Yes we need our mind’s ability to discern and evaluate, except for the area of loving and accepting ourselves with compassion. (And others too of course)
In contrast to eyes and mind, our young man begins to understand he can change gear and use his eyes with soft seeing. This is combining his heart and eyes to receive images. It’s the way of the heart to engage inclusively so from this place perfection is easy to embrace.
Truth is, everyone and everything is an enchanted beauty from this perspective. And what a blessed relief!!
Lack of self-acceptance
Now our talented young man is free like an eagle hitching a ride on the warm thermals a mile above the green patchwork landscape in blissful peace and nurturing silence. Here he can freely engage with his Enchanted Beauty and allow his relationship to blossom and thrive. In doing so he releases his need to hold onto his ideal. Besides it was just keeping him away from what he longed for.
Not only that, but during the sessions as we continue to unpack and explore his lack of self-acceptance, our young man begins to see a new version of himself. He sees the truth that he is loveable and acceptable just as he is.
4 interesting points to help you adjust your perspective of primarily your self and others.
- Pondering involves letting ideas percolate and settle like a kind of meditative action which will help you feel into situations from your heart instead of your head.
- Consider if nit picking imperfections is an avoidance of accepting your own lack of self love and acceptance.
- Deep down we all know only too well, not one human being is perfect, or ever could be, even if the glossy magazines mesmerise us into thinking so.
- The notion of perfection and imperfection has not place in life.
Points to Ponder:
Does striving for perfection on every level mean you’ll be loved, and is this approach a possible form of insanity?
What is you could simply be loved for yourself, without even striving for approval or earning love points to feel worthy.